Wicked Wednesday: Only me

This weeks Wicked Wednesday is about identity and that can be a bit of a sore subject for me because in lots of ways, I’m still figuring it out.

Who am I?

Sure, I can tell you my name, my age, where I was born, my hair colour. But none of that really describes who *I* actually am.

A few years ago after being with my ex for just short of six years we split (amicably) and despite making the decision together and me knowing it was for the best I was a mess; a real head case, break down, borderline alcoholic, self harming kind of mess. And looking back now it’s because I didn’t know who the hell I was without her. We had been together from the age of 17 and so while I was growing into an adult I was growing with her along side me and when we split it was like I had been stripped of my identity. It took a long time for me to figure out what the hell I was doing because I’d never really done things just for me. It took about 6 months before I even cooked myself a proper meal, I have always enjoyed cooking but I couldn’t get my head around just cooking for me, I didn’t know how to cook for one and I didn’t see the point, after all, it was only me.

I’ve realised since that ‘only me’  is a terrible thing to say. It should never be ‘only me’. I, really, should be the most important person in my life. I should be taking care of myself and taking control of who I am and what I want to do, I shouldn’t be waiting around for someone else to decide. I should be happy to cook myself something delicious because god damn it, I deserve it just as much as the other people I’m happy to cook for, why should I be making myself second best? It’s something I’m still working on now but I’m getting there.

Ruby is a relatively new and very freeing part of my personality that I’m so happy I have in my life. I haven’t blogged as much as I would like to this year and I’ve noticed the difference in myself because overall Ruby allows me to show a side of myself that was locked up for way too long. I may still be figuring out my true identity but I don’t think that’s uncommon for someone in their 20s to be honest and I’m pretty happy I can come on here and be Ruby and truly relax about who I am. when I’m blogging, I’m not ‘only me’. I’m Ruby and I’m free to write and do whatever the hell I want and I’m pretty happy about that.

 

 

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